


scouts dot com

by captaincastello



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Office, Alternate Universe - Sex Shop, Crack, Documentaries, First Meetings, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, No Smut, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-22 05:28:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9585479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captaincastello/pseuds/captaincastello
Summary: A camera crew follows a small group of 'businessmen/women' around their office for a day, and how they recruit a model who wears crocs.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been sleeping a lot in the past couple of days suffering from the flu/colds, and as much as I wanted to start writing for Sheithlentines and Eruri Secret Valentine, I just couldn't get my brain to work. Come today, the last day of rest before I finally go back to work, I had a sudden spark of nostalgia from _The Office_ , _Parks & Rec_, and _30Rock_
> 
> Hence, this mockumentary-style crack fic in an attempt at script format. It's the first time I've written in this style, so here are some notes/warnings:
> 
> \- On humour (or lack thereof): There will be a lot of mentions about genitalia. It IS about a sex shop. Sex will be mentioned, but not explicitly discussed.
> 
> \- On characterizations: For the SNK veterans, I capitalized on their SNKC personalities which were more comical. For the VLD characters, I just tweaked around with how I felt their personalities would fit in this kind of AU, so I can't promise total loyalty to canon characterizations.
> 
> \- On format: Okay, this is where it gets tricky. I'm a noob on formatting?? But I did some research on how _The Office_ scripts looked like, and that's what I followed, except the spacing and paragraphing are of course much more different, so here's a little sample on what I did instead:  
>   
> 
> ****  
> SETTING & TIME  
> Narration will be written normally. Scripts rely heavily on dialogue, so narratives will be used sparsely.
> 
> ****  
> _CHARACTER'S NAME_  
>  _What the characters say will be italicized to separate them from the narratives_  
>  ****  
>  __  
> (CHARACTER'S NAME) TALKING HEAD:  
>    _According to_ _THE OFFICE_ _scripts, these are the parts in which the character talks directly to the camera. This is the most fun bit for me._
> 
>  
> 
> That's all! I hope this format wouldn't be too confusing. Anyways, thank you for clicking on this!

** ACT ONE: **

****

** FADE IN: **

** EXT. 1127 KALTENECKER BLDG. – DAY **

A YOUNG MALE IN A BLACK WOOL COAT is walking briskly to a 30-storey building, coffee in one hand, shoulders hunched and head bowed. He spots the camera crew walking towards him, he walks even faster.

 

**_DEFENSIVE EMO IN BLACK WOOL COAT_ **

_Whatever it is, I did not set the goat lose in that jewelry store on 5 th Avenue—Oh, it’s not—I mean, so you’re not? Forget what I just said, that was nothing._

 

The young man looks attentively at the unseen camera crew. His face grows sceptic, as if he’s just heard the most unbelievable thing all day.

 

**_SCEPTICAL EMO IN BLACK WOOL COAT (CONT’D)_ **

_You’re serious? You’re going to pay me a hundred bucks if I let you follow me around for a day and pretend you’re not filming me?_

 

The crew’s voices are inaudible for the audience, but the young man is listening to them. After what seems to be a brief negotiation, he finally looks straight into the camera. He clears his throat.

 

**_AGREEABLE AND IN-NEED-OF-EXTRA-CASH EMO IN BLACK WOOL COAT (CONT’D)_ **

_Hi, my name is Keith, and I work for SCOUTS._

 

** INT. 1127 KALTENECKER BLDG. 11th FLOOR –CONTINUOUS – DAY **

The camera follows KEITH into a small office heavily decorated with various stuffed animals. From the door, a separate room marked as the boss’s workplace can be seen, its door wide open. A blonde man who seems to have worn a shirt two sizes smaller is relaxing with both feet on his desk, but sits upright upon seeing the camera crew.

 

**_BLONDE CALVIN KLEIN UNDERWEAR MODEL_ **

_(Coughs into his fist) Good morning, Captain._

**_KEITH_ **

_Good morning, Boss._

 

BLONDE CK MODEL-BOSS looks into the camera, then back at KEITH.

 

**_ BLONDE CK MODEL-BOSS TALKING HEAD: _ **

_(combs eyebrows into place) Oh, are we rolling…? Okay. Hello, I’m Erwin Smith, I’m the founder and manager of SCOUTS. My subordinates call me Commander, or Boss, and I call them my Captains unless I remember their names. I am a busy man._

_(Cue: montage of Erwin playing lazily with his revolving chair, playing XOX puzzles by himself and losing, searching basements on Google images, crying in a corner while clutching a framed picture of Harambe)_

_A busy man._

 

**_KEITH_ **

_They’re filming a documentary about young adults in the business world. If you don’t mind, they’re just going to follow me around for the day._

**_ERWIN_ **

_Oh, business, of course of course. You’re just in time, we’re about to have a company meeting._

 

Camera zooms in on KEITH who looks like he’s been invited to the worst party of the year. ERWIN quickly walks out of his office and into another room, KEITH stays to talk to camera crew.

 

**_KEITH_ **

_Just to be clear, no refunds, right? …Nothing, just making sure._

 

** INT. CONFERENCE ROOM –CONTINUOUS – DAY **

The small conference roof is bereft of any interior design; in the middle of the tiny space is a long table fashioned out of a discarded political campaign yard sign standing on four short towers of cement blocks, and around it are five swivel chairs that seem to be the only ones that came from an allocated budget.

The camera zooms in on KEITH, who seems to be the only one who thinks it weird and unnecessary that all the lights in the conference room are turned off save for the one hanging above a large pizza on the table. Over in a corner, a shadow moves protectively around the food.

 

**_ANDROGYNOUS NERD WHO NEEDS A SHOWER_ **

_Whoah whoah, stop right there. (Turns to the Erwin) Commander, what is this?_

**_ERWIN_ **

_It’s okay, Hanji, they’re doing a documentary. Just pretend they don’t exist._

**_HANJI_ **

_Whew, great. For a moment I thought we were going to have to share—I, uh, I mean, this pizza is strictly for employee consumption, so._

**_ERWIN_ **

_Okay, so let’s start._

 

HANJI merrily walks around to address the large pizza in the middle. Apart from KEITH and ERWIN, two more people in the room take their places around the table.

 

**_HANJI_ **

_Good morning ladies and gents, once again it’s time for the monthly fart._

 

**_ KEITH TALKING HEAD: _ **

_The Pizza Hour and Analytic Review Time, or PHaART, is a routine product and profit check-up that we do here every 30 days. Basically our Statistician, Hanji, and our Accountant, Pidge, dive into some math and get into the scientific process of collating and studying data from our sales, then we order a multi-topping pizza, in which the toppings are all according to the percentage of our best-selling products._

_(pause)_

_Wow, that sounds too complicated, but believe me, it was way harder when we had to pull smart-looking people off the streets to do the accounting before Pidge was onboard._

 

**_HANJI_ **

_Based on the results of our latest online survey, our most popular product is (drum-rolls on the table) the Life-Sized Big Daddy Sex Doll, which makes up the 37% Bacon n’ Beef!_

 

The camera pans across the room; everyone is clapping their hands and nodding their heads. A LARGE MAN WITH HUMONGOUS BICEPS AND A THICK MOUSTACHE wordlessly hands over a wad of cash to a MIDGET NERD sporting a sassy know-it-all smile.

 

**_HANJI_ **

_Our second placer—oh, Pidge, do you have your Censorship Goggles on?_

**_MIDGET NERD NAMED PIDGE_ **

_Aye aye._

**_HANJI_ **

_Great! Making up the 24% Double-Cheese is the Strap-ons and Harness Collection, most popular of which is the Double-Edged Strapless Alien-Dong which Levi pitched a couple of months ago._

**_ERWIN_ **

_He literally thought of it right after he climaxed—_

**_HANJI/KEITH/PIDGE_ **

_Too much unsolicited information, Commander._

 

ERWIN pulls an imaginary zipper over his mouth, but the glow on his cheeks is birthing suspicion that no one seems adamant to address.

 

**_HANJI_ **

_Taking third place and making up for the 21% Pepperoni, is the 8-inch Cylindrical Paperweight with the alarm clock feature, which is always mistaken for a dildo, but we’ve had no negative feedbacks despite the confusion._

**_LARGE MAN WITH HUMONGOUS BICEPS AND A THICK MOUSTACHE_ **

_(grunts) I still can’t believe the Scented Penile Candles didn’t make it to the Top 3._

**_HANJI_ **

_You’ll have to do better than ordering 50% of our own candles, Mike._

**_ MIKE TALKING HEAD: _ **

_The candles are the only ones that don’t smell a lot like lube. Also, my wife finds them funny._

 

**_HANJI_ **

_To continue, the 11% Margherita represents the 4-Foot Penile Pillow, popular with the 20-40 year-old singles-who-get-off-work-late-at-night demographic. Personally I think this is so underrated and we could market this product better._

**_PIDGE_ **

_An anonymous comment on the website states that they’d “want a range of options for the pillows, maybe from a variety in the color spectrum”. Most liked replies to this comment are ‘Albino Lizard’ and ‘Purple Repopulating Alien’._

**_ERWIN_ **

_Marvelous. Put that on the list._

**_HANJI_ **

_The remaining 6% Vegetarian Pizza is everything else, which includes the Scented Genitalia Candle Collection, Genitalia-shaped Cereal Mix, Genitalia-shaped Party Hats and Lube Dispenser—_

 

Suddenly, the room is filled with loud and intense male sexual breathing and screaming noises. The source of these provocative sounds seems to be in ERWIN’s pocket, but the man betrays no hint of this with the way his elbows are comfortably folded on the table, his chin nestled squarely on his clasped hands. Everyone else is either deadpan or staring at the pizza.

Then, after 57 seconds of recorded moaning later—

****

**_ERWIN_ **

_(gets up from the table) I’m sorry, I have to take this call._

 

**_ PIDGE TALKING HEAD: _ **

_Yeah, I’m Pidge, I’m in accounting, and no I wasn’t hired for my infiltrating skills. (awkward laugh)_

_It’s thanks to Erwin Smith that I acquired a new skill that will most likely be useless to me in society – I can now listen to gay men having sex without feeling unnerved. The boss thinks listening to your ringtone until the last second is a ‘hip’ thing youngsters do, and because of that I’ve been receiving the type of education no formal school would offer anyone. I now know what ‘keistering’ is, and that ‘urethral sounding’ has nothing to do with music or sound at all._

_(pauses)_

_Don’t google any of that._

 

KEITH raises his hand once ERWIN exits the room (after some difficulty walking around the camera crew).

 

**_KEITH_ **

_Captain Hanji, since Pidge mentioned the website, there’s something that I’d like to bring to awareness here._

**_HANJI_ **

_Then to awareness you shall bring it!_

**_KEITH_ **

_Uh, sure. (sideways glances at the camera) Over the past week, there has been an increase of complaints and harassing messages sent to our Gmail, mostly from uptight middle-aged Christian fathers, the local Boys and Girls Scouts Association, and the occasional internet trolls._

**_HANJI_ **

_I still don’t get why uptight middle-aged Christian fathers would have computers._

**_KEITH_ **

_They still think we’re running a website affiliated with the Scout Movement, you know, the one that aims to support young people in their physical and mental development through activities such as multiple knot-tying?_

**_PIDGE_ **

_So like a society-approved bondage training regimen._

**_ HANJI TALKING HEAD: _ **

_Oh, did you think our company was affiliated with those little door-to-door cookie sales-kids with the funny neck scarves and knee-high socks, who are subtly used by adults to sell homemade products in seemingly friendly neighborhoods?_

**_KEITH_ **

_I really think we need to reconsider changing our domain from SCOUTS-dot-com to something much more… accommodating to our actual market, and less misleading for the unintended market._

**_HANJI_ **

_What are we if we’re not the Secret Cove of Orgasmic Utensils and Toys Selection or SCOUTS – nothing could be simpler than or as informative._

**_MIKE_ **

_Also, it was the cheapest domain URL Erwin bought when he was batshit drunk six years ago._

**_KEITH_ **

_Why did it have to be ‘Utensils’?_

**_HANJI_ **

_Try thinking of another word you can place beside ‘Orgasmic’ that starts with ‘U’. And ‘Utilities’ doesn’t count because we’re offering products, not services._

**_MIKE_ **

_Imagine if Erwin had really gone with Stylish Cooperation of Octopus Uniforms Trading Society._

**_PIDGE_ **

_We were supposed to sell uniforms for stylish octopi?_

 

ERWIN comes back to the room, looking even more giddy than a high schooler in a shoujo manga.

 

**_ERWIN_ **

_We’ll have to cut the PHaART short and skip right into eating the pizza—_

 

Without another word, everyone moves to take a slice, their movements too quick for the camera lenses to pick up.

 

**_ERWIN_ **

_—now it’s time to talk marketing strategies. I just got off the phone with Levi, and he says we’ll have the binders here in half an hour._

**_HANJI_ **

_About time! It’s been three days and I’m itching to lay out the details of our latest survey— oh yeah, and the pizza’s getting cold._

 

**_ KEITH TALKING HEAD: _ **

_Oh, right. They did ask me and Pidge to conduct this certain survey at our Alma Mater. I had to make some impromptu voice impressions in different telephone booths for some of the more difficult recipients. Then I remembered I could have used carrier pigeons._

 

** INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – 30 MINS LATER – DAY **

Everyone’s sitting around the makeshift table in the same places, except this time, there’s a TINY GLARING MAN SIPPING TEA while sitting on ERWIN’s lap. Two-inch-thick binders with colored strips are placed in front of each person.

 

**_ANGRY MANLET WHO TALKED A LOT MORE IN ERWIN’S RINGTONE THAN IN REAL LIFE_ **

_Let’s get this over with._

**_ERWIN_ **

_Has everyone skimmed through the pages enough to look like they were really reading it?_

**_KEITH_ **

_Wait, so we’re going to hire an advertising model?_

**_HANJI_ **

_According to the survey, there’s a really big chance of us entering into some new potential demographic. Rich college students who have stolen their parents’ credit cards show interest in the S &H Collection, not-so-rich college students who spend all-nighters studying are eyeing the Penile Pillows, and newly-divorced or closeted professors and members of the board of directors have already pre-ordered some sex dolls._

 

The camera pans over to KEITH who looks like holding a barf just thinking that those are all real people in real universities like his.

 

**_PIDGE_ **

_Advertising would likely increase revenues for this month by 6%. I can upload the photos on our website or as a virus in misleading emails or health ads._

**_ERWIN_ **

_Perfect. Now all we need to do is make a list of qualifications._

**_HANJI_ **

_(excited) Do you mean—_

**_ERWIN_ **

_Yes. Bring out the whiteboard!_

 

Everyone except for ERWIN’s PERPETUALLY GRUMPY RINGTONE GUY claps their hands. Not everyone is smiling/squealing like HANJI or looking like they just accomplished something on an international scale like ERWIN. MIKE stands with a marker in hand beside the white board-on-wheels, ready to enumerate job qualifications.

 

**_PIDGE_ **

_Okay, what do we need?_

**_ERWIN_ **

_(suddenly has reading glasses on) Based on the ‘Other Comments’ section of the survey which was intended for sex doll preferences, this is what the collective body wants: Male, aged 20-30, tall and muscular, has a pleasant personality, is equipped with a great rack and an even greater ass._

 

**_ KEITH TALKING HEAD: _ **

_I swear he can say such vulgar and improper things with the calm voice of a school professor._

 

**_HANJI_ **

_Sounds like most guys on a porn site._

**_ERWIN_ **

_There are a few more specifications (pushing his glasses up his nose the way people sometimes do for some intellectual effect). The people now know what they really want._

**_HANJI_ **

_So what are we looking for exactly?_

**_ERWIN_ **

_We’re looking for someone with “hands big enough to hold three dildos at once, thighs thick enough to crush swallow’s eggs. Someone with the big heart and ripped body of Steve Rogers, and the sexy scars and PTSD like Bucky Barnes. Bonus points if he has an actual metal arm.”_

**_HANJI_ **

_Metal arm… Someone with scars and is suffering from PTSD… Scars maybe from self-mutilation due to trauma… Is it safe to conclude we’re looking for a suicidal amputee?_

**_KEITH_ **

_That_ is _pretty specific and quite an unorthodox subject for a sexual fetish. How are we ever going to find someone like that (who will be willing to work in a shop like this)?_

**_ERWIN_ **

_(smiles, looks at Mike) We’re going to have to sniff him out._

**_LEVI_ **

_Or maybe we don’t have to. There’s a guy with a scarred face holding three hotdogs in his metal hand loitering outside our building right now._

There’s a two-second delay of belated realization before everyone scrambles from their seats to peer out through the blinds of the large glass window. The camera zooms in on one of the slits, and sure enough, there’s A YOUNG ADULT IN A BLACK WINDBREAKER EATING HOTDOGS sitting on one of the benches under a leafless tree. There’s a big horizontal scar decorating his face like it’s his own aesthetic, and he’s got thighs meaty and firm enough to squash even an ostrich’s eggs between them.

 

**_ERWIN_ **

_Fantastic, Levi. Metal hand must mean a metal arm. Does he look suicidal enough?_

**_PIDGE_ **

_Is he wearing winter socks and crocs in this weather?_

**_LEVI_ **

_CROCS? He’s definitely given up on life. I say it’s a green light._

**_ERWIN_ **

_Awesome. (to camera) Not that he’s given up on life, of course. (to MIKE) Go get our new moneycow._

**_KEITH_ **

_Why don’t we just post an ad on our website about this job offer instead of kidnapping the first suicidal guy with a metal arm that we see?_

 

KEITH looks at the camera with a blank face. He is ignored. MIKE and LEVI head for the door.

 

**_ HANJI TALKING HEAD (V.O.): _ **

(Footage shown is of MIKE and LEVI prepping to go outside in the snow where MAN IN CROCS WITH THICC THIGHS is eating lunch.)

_Why do we send out the two people in the group who talk the least for employee recruitment? Simple. They’ve got the best recruitment skills. Mike can sniff out the qualities of a person that are invisible to the naked eye, and Levi… well, no one has ever said ‘No’ to that guy_

 

 

 

 

** ACT TWO: **

 

** EXT. BENCH UNDER A TREE – AFTERNOON **

The camera follows MIKE as he walks towards the POTENTIALLY SUICIDAL GUY IN CROCS with Levi riding on his shoulders. They look like Chewbacca and Master Yoda, sans fur and Jedi robes. SUICIDAL GUY IN CROCS is about to eat his last hotdog when he notices the Tower of MIKE and the camera crew tailing behind.

 

**_LEVI_ **

_(deadpans behind black tinted glasses)_

_Do that again._

**_CROCS-WEARING MAN ALONE UNDER TREE_ **

_I-I beg your pardon?_

**_LEVI_ **

_That thing you did with the hotdog._

**_POLITE CROCS-WEARING MAN ALONE UNDER TREE_ **

_You mean eat it?_

**_LEVI_ **

_Mike, are you catching a whiff of suicidal tendencies in this guy?_

**_POLITE CROCS-WEARING MAN ALONE UNDER TREE WHO LIKES TO STATE THE OBVIOUS_ **

_Are you smelling me?_

**_MIKE_ **

_(sniffs) There certainly is an unseen suicidal aura permeating the space of a 3-meter radius from this person._

**_LEVI_ **

_Perfect._

**_CONFUSED CROCS ADVOCATE WITH SUIDICAL AURA_ **

_Wait, what?_

**_LEVI_ **

_Got a name, son?_

**_CONFUSED CROCS ADVOCATE WITH SUICIDAL AURA WHO HASN’T BEEN NAMED_ **

_Shirogane Takashi, Sir, but I also go by ‘Shiro’._

**_LEVI_ **

_Okay, Shiro, listen up. You got a lot of free time on your hands?_

**_SHIRO_ **

_Um, yes._

**_LEVI_ **

_Good, you’re qualified._

**_SHIRO_ **

_?? Wait, wait?_

**_LEVI_ **

_Come with us._

**_SHIRO_ **

_??? What?_

 

** INT. 1127 KALTENECKER BLDG. 11th FLOOR –CONTINUOUS – AFTERNOON **

MIKE, LEVI and SHIRO are cramped into the small elevator with the camera crew. MIKE’s face is pressed uncomfortably close to the boom mike. Sniffing noises are amplified.

Once they reach the 11th floor, they all fan out into the corridor, MIKE and LEVI in front, SHIRO sandwiched between them and the camera crew. A door leading to a dimly lit hallway is open, and with sudden elegance and stealth unexpected from a man of his bulk, SHIRO sidesteps into the deep abyss, away from his recruiters.

 

**_SHIRO_ **

_(turns to camera crew while walking) Who are these guys? Oh, you’re also new here? Man, it’s just so hard to say ‘No’ to that angry man when he’s staring you down from above the other guy’s shoulders like that._

 

There is a door at the end of the short hallway, and it may or may not be the fire escape. SHIRO turns one last time to the camera, shrugs, turns the knob.

SHIRO mutters a small ‘what the fuck’ under his breath, the camera sweeps across the room to reveal rows of shelves of various sex-themed products: pillows, party hats, penholders and many other household objects designed in the image of genitalia, a table of encased penis/boob candles, seated mannequins that look too realistic to not be in a weird body collection movie. No amount of censorship can erase this from the crew’s and SHIRO’s minds now.

Curiosity gets a better hold on SHIRO and he walks into the middle of the adult party clusterfuck.

 

**_SHIRO_ **

_Is that a dong-shaped tobacco pipe?_

 

The camera follows SHIRO as he explores every nook and cranny of the sex-themed utopia. He takes one of the penis hats and puts it on like a Disneyland visitor donning a headgear. He has fun pointing at everything and naming which genitalia they are, or squeezing stress balls that are either shaped as testicles or a boob. He checks but doesn’t take his chances on a dispenser marked as sanitizer because he’s convinced it might be lube.

He walks around the shelves until he reaches the very back of the room which is possibly the creepiest 5m2x6m2 space he’s ever been in. Two rows of seated life-sized male and female dolls greet him with crystalline eyes and perpetually plastered cutesy smiles or seductive pouts. Each one is dressed differently from the other as if they just all came from some bizarre Halloween orgy – there’s a bodacious woman in a nurse’s outfit, another in nothing but a Slytherin robe, a young man in a playboy bunny costume.

The only one that seems out of place is a raven-haired man in conservative work clothes.

SHIRO bends over slightly to examine this particular doll. He squeezes its cheeks and is visibly surprised, looks back at the camera and mouths the words ‘ _It feels so real!_ ’ before squeezing some more. He pauses for a split second of what seems to be hesitation, before using his index finger to poke at the unmoving lower lip.

 

**_CONSERVATIVE SEX DOLL_ **

_Do you have a habit of randomly touching life-sized dolls when you’re alone?_

 

SHIRO reels back in surprise, knocking the camera aside when he falls. A good ten seconds is spent taping a shaky view of the blank ceiling.

 

**_CONSERVATIVE SEX DOLL_ **

_Whoah, easy, easy—Hey, I’m sorry—_

**_SHIRO_ **

_Y-you’re a person!_

**_CONSERVATIVE SEX PERSON_ **

_I’ve been told that except it was preceded by the word ‘horrible’._

**_SHIRO_ **

_A real person…!_

**_CONSERVATIVE REAL PERSON_ **

_Whoah, let’s not be too quick to jump to conclusions, this could be a sex dream— I mean, I’m sorry, I’m Keith, and I’m terrible at first meetings._

**_SHIRO_ **

_Uh, I’m Shiro. Were you sitting there the whole time?_

**_KEITH_ **

_You were pretty preoccupied calling everything a vagina, a boob, or a leprechaun penis._

**_SHIRO_ **

_What were you doing here alone?_

**_KEITH_ **

_Polishing the weiner candles._

**_SHIRO_ **

_Yikes. What’s that like?_

**_KEITH_ **

_Like giving an overzealous handjob to unresponsive erections._

**_SHIRO_ **

_Sounds like a waste of talent. I bet it almost feels insulting._

**_KEITH_ **

_It is. On the bright side, I’ve got mad skills now._

 

**_ KEITH TALKING HEAD: _ **

KEITH is smiling genuinely for the first time today. He keeps looking around the room while biting his cheek as if to keep from smiling.

_Do I like the new guy? (contemplative pause) I’ve never eased into anyone so effortlessly like that. I guess we’re just naturally sex-joke-compatible. Also, it’s great to have some things in common. He’s allegedly suicidal, and I… I’ve committed social suicide._

 

The two have settled to sit against a wall beside each other. SHIRO has taken off the dong-shaped hat and is fidgeting with it on his lap. KEITH glance at the crocs but makes no comment whatsoever.

 

**_SHIRO_ **

_So what’s working here like?_

**_KEITH_ **

_Well the pay’s definitely better than my old job. You don’t always get a broken car, van, or mobile meth lab with an engine that needs fixing, but here – well, sex is certainly a bigger market._

**_SHIRO_ **

_So polishing weiner candles gets you more money than actually helping out in society like fixing cars._

**_KEITH_ **

_You’re catching on real quick. Look, my contract says I can’t disclose any information about finances to (glances at camera) non-employees, but if you’re in, let me ‘demonstrate’ the starting salary. The number of figures is equal to how many times I’m going to squeeze your butt._

**_SHIRO_ **

_Squeeze my—? Wh—oh. Oohh. Seriously?— Oh my g—_

**_ SHIRO TALKING HEAD: _ **

_He’s got a_ really _good grip._

_(pauses, wordlessly smiles for a  good four seconds)_

_Oh, and I’m definitely in._

 

** INT. PHOTOGRAPHY STUDIO – AFTERNOON **

An elaborate living room setting is set up in the middle, capturing the theme of ‘A Private Cabin in The Snowy Mountains’. A Christmas Tree with hanging dildos sits handsomely near the makeshift fireplace. KEITH is lighting up the Scented genitalia candles on top of the stone mantle, making the room smell like freshly baked cinnamon rolls, while LEVI meticulously vacuums the thick carpet.

**_ERWIN_ **

_Good afternoon, Shiro, I’m the manager, Erwin Smith, and this is Hanji, our Statistician._

**_SHIRO_ **

_Nice to meet you._

**_HANJI_ **

_Damn right it is – I’m delightful!_

**_ERWIN_ **

_We look forward to working with you, Shiro._

**_SHIRO_ **

_Great, when can I start?_

**_HANJI_ **

_Right away! The set is ready to produce some crotch shots today._

**_SHIRO_ **

_Crotch shots?_

**_ERWIN_ **

_Basically, we’ll take photographs of you wearing our latest product, the Crotch Warmer. Don’t worry, we only take shots from the neck down. If the need to take a full-body shot arises, you will be asked to show only your back, or to wear something on your head._

**_SHIRO_ **

_That seems reasonable._

**_ERWIN_ **

_If you’re ready, your measurements shall be assessed now._

**_SHIRO_ **

_Measurements?_

**_ERWIN_ **

_You sure ask a lot about nouns, don’t you?_

**_HANJI_ **

_Based on the ratio of the length of his index finger to his ring finger, and taking into account the slope of his buttcheeks, hmm if we also apply the footsize theory and algorithms… I’d say the Woolly Mammoth Crotch Warmer should be the perfect fit._

**_ERWIN_ **

_Great. Mike, get me a size Mammoth!_

 

SHIRO shares a look with KEITH from across the room, who’s trying to stifle a laugh. Over in the snack bar, PIDGE observes them both, a knowing look behind her Censorship Goggles.

Fast-forward to a few minutes later, SHIRO is naked save for a red scarf around his neck and the Woolly Mammoth Crotch Warmer wrapped snuggly around his groin area.

 

**_KEITH_ **

_(whistles) So, how is it?_

**_SHIRO_ **

_Well, it’s what I imagine should look like a furry winter headgear, except it’s designed to be worn lower, and to strategically cup my… every dangling thing down there._

 

KEITH makes a choking noise as if his laughter is lodged in his throat, and SHIRO chuckles along with him.

 

**_SHIRO_ **

_Thank you for not being weird about this. Makes things feel easier._

**_KEITH_ **

_No problem. I mean, I’m not even doing anything._

 

ERWIN calls them all to position; MIKE and KEITH are in charge of the reflectors while HANJI mans the camera. LEVI yells out his suggestions of magazine-worthy poses while he sips tea on ERWIN’s lap. PIDGE immediately edits the photos on the laptop hooked up to the camera. She wordlessly moves the BTS pictures that include SHIRO interacting with KEITH in a separate folder.

 

**_ PIDGE TALKING HEAD: _ **

_(shrugs) Might come in handy. I mean, Keith overlooked the crocs. Either he’s much more dense than I give him credit for, or this is going to be something._

**_HANJI_ **

_Alright you defective factory dildos, that’s a wrap!_

Everyone but SHIRO looks unfazed. LEVI immediately hops off ERWIN’s lap to clean the set.

 

**_ ERWIN TALKING HEAD: _ **

_Hanji yells some interesting things when creativity and inspiration are at their peak._

 

** INT. CONFERENCE ROOM –CONTINUOUS – AFTERNOON **

Light from the afternoon sun filters into the room through the blinds. This time, practicality wins over dramatic flourish, and more than one lightbulb is on. SHIRO is back in his clothes, and sadly, in his crocs. An extra swivel chair has been placed for him by the table. He is looking rather suspiciously at the smiling politician in the middle of the room.

 

**_SHIRO_ **

_If this company or whatever has a large annual profit, why don’t you have an actual conference room table…?_

**_KEITH_ **

_We gave up actually using real tables since some people (glances at Erwin and Levi) broke the eleventh one trying to bone on it. Also, we discovered politicians’ faces are effective in causing erectile dysfunction._

**_ERWIN_ **

_Alright, people, let’s get settled. Again, I’d like to formally welcome Shiro into the group. (Everyone claps their hands) Thank you for being cooperative today, son._

**_LEVI_ **

_Not bad, rookie._

**_PIDGE_ **

_For a guy with questionable taste in footwear, I guess you’re okay._

**_KEITH_ **

_I knew I grabbed the right ass._

**_HANJI_ **

_Great news! You get to keep the warmer that you modelled today. That goes out of your pay, of course._

**_MIKE_ **

_I’m saying something because all of the other characters are._

**_SHIRO_ **

_Wow, thanks everyone. I think I’m going to have a great time working here._

**_LEVI_ **

_Great. Now enough of the cliché sentimental team spirit speeches. Let’s cut to the Suggestion List._

**_ERWIN_ **

_Summon the whiteboard!_

 

Everyone claps their hands and cheers, save for LEVI who’s sipping his tea. The meeting ensues in the background while each member’s voice plays in the background. The camera zooms in to the whiteboard, the first thing on the list reads ‘ _Vibrating Erection feature for Sex Doll’_.

 

**_ KEITH TALKING HEAD, V.O.: _ **

_I woke up today without any expectation that I’d be a part of a documentary, or meet a new friend. I’m sorry you can’t release this footage anywhere. It’s true that the amount of censorship you’ll have to make will cost a lot in production. Um, is there any chance I could maybe get a copy of this? Not for reproduction, of course, but come on, it’s not every day you get to be part of a short film._

**_ ERWIN TALKING HEAD, V.O.: _ **

_Today was certainly interesting. I have a feeling that Shiro will be definitely be a vital part of our business. It’s too bad you can’t air this in any family networks, though. I guess it’s quite a blessing that a Film Academy in North Korea is going to buy the rights to this documentary._

**_ LEVI TALKING HEAD, V.O.: _ **

_… Your camera lens looks dusty._

**_ HANJI TALKING HEAD, V.O.: _ **

_The sex doll was an idea conceived when, by some stroke of fate, I always walked in on Levi and Erwin boning. Then Erwin thought, what if there was a dummy to sit in his place in his office, so that I’d always think he was there and I didn’t have to scour the building looking for him and catch them in the middle of their sexcapades? It was brilliant. I spent a whole three months thinking Erwin took an oath of silence, and that he finally mastered the art of not blinking._

**_ MIKE TALKING HEAD, V.O.: _ **

_Please at least purchase some Scented Genitalia Candles. They’re perfect for personal consumption, or as gift items._

**_ PIDGE TALKING HEAD, V.O.: _ **

_Don’t listen to what Mike says and I’ll give you 10% of my bet winnings for this month._

 

The scene in the background shifts from the interior to the exterior of the building; everyone but LEVI and ERWIN remain in the office. Outside, SHIRO and KEITH are walking away together while chatting like old friends.

 

**_ SHIRO TALKINGHEAD, V.O.: _ **

_Before you sell today’s footage to North Korea, can you maybe email me some bits? Maybe even just the ones that include Keith… I mean, he said a lot of important things about the job, so… It’s for the good of the company, I swear. Trade for three boxes of Genitalia Cereal? I got it for free today._

**_ KEITH TALKING HEAD, V.O.: _ **

_I swear no one else in the company will know I got a copy._

**_ SHIRO TALKINGHEAD, V.O.: _ **

_So, it’s a deal?_

** FADE OUT **

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that wasn't too confusing?? Well, if you read up until the end, thank you so much!!  
> As for me, well it's already midnight here and I've got to be early for work, so for now I bid you all adieu.


End file.
